Micro-aggressions

A microaggression is an act or conversation that causes harm or insult to a person. These insults might be intentional or unintentional. Because we all do not share the same experiences and are a very diverse society, we are all prone to engage in them and/or experience them in some form.

I crochet as a hobby and I often do it in public on my lunch break or at the doctor's office. I have been crocheting since I was a teenager and have enjoyed it ever since I first learned thanks to my grandmother. I will get looks and on a few occasions people (who don't know me) have told me that I don't look like someone who knits. Two things wrong with these comments. First: Who do you think would you expect to see doing this and why do I not look like I would fit into that image? Second: Its crochet, not knitting. I cannot tell you how many times I have had to explain to people that it is crochet and not knit. To me, these experiences are not so much offensive but more frustrating and annoying. I certainly understand the confusion.

            A few weeks ago, my neighbor was out watering her flowers and as I was getting into my car, she made a comment about my husband being behind on cutting the grass. While we do go longer than most cutting it, I cut it just as much as he does. It depends on who has the time. Chris travels quite a bit for work so I will do it while he is gone. She had good intentions. She did not mean anything bad by her comment. I did not take offense to it but I did think to myself that she believes in the stereotype that men are primarily responsible for cutting the grass. Since we both work full time, we also share the responsibilities of the home equally and depending on our work load.

Since we got married, Chris and I have experienced many microaggressions that are associated with the institution of marriage, especially when people find out that he works out of town a majority of the year. He works with a majority of men who come from broken marriages and have negative perceptions of it. They say things like: Your wife will start slacking on taking care of you and will eventually cheat on you after 5 years. They say that marriage messes up good things. We actually both feel that getting married has made us closer. Chris tells me what they say when they say it and he tells me that he responds in a way that shows his dedication to me and that basically tells them that they are wrong. There are no hard feelings between him and his co-workers. He is patient and just gets a little disappointed that he is not surrounded by more men that share his feelings on the matter and that express their joys of being married. We both don’t mind being away from each other and this was a topic we discussed in detail before we decided to get married. I do, however, realize that this type of living/marriage situation is the minority. On one occasion, I was working with a teacher who told me that because Chris works out of town, he will eventually cheat on me. Her ignorance and lack of sensitivity upset me and I quickly corrected her by saying that not all couples in this situation are the same. She apologized and exclaimed that she did not realize her words would offend me. Her thoughts on the matter have been forever changed by our conversations and I am glad for that.  These comments Chris and I hear effect me because they directly go against some of my most strongly held beliefs and way of living and thinking. 

While I understand that a little over half of all marriages end in divorce these days, I really wish there were more people around me who believe in it and have good positive thoughts on the matter. I even hear negative comments about marriage from married people. I wish they would understand that not all marriages are doomed. I like being surrounded by positive, non-toxic people who do not let their own experiences bring others down. This goes for all groups who have had negative experiences. Ultimately, it is the haters who I feel for. If anything, it should be for their sake that they behave in a more loving and accepting way. They will feel better when they stop projecting their negative experiences on other people and when they move on and just try to learn from their experiences. Love always wins and I just keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to be a part of all the identities and groups I am a part of.